The Do’s and Don’ts of Socializing with Your Introverted Friend
No word in the English language sets my heart racing as quickly as “party.” The second someone so much as utters this word in my vicinity, beads of perspiration burst from my furrowed brow as my mind desperately invents excuses not to go.
Ever since I can remember, I’ve never been quite at ease in larger groups. When I’m socializing one-on-one or in smaller gatherings, I feel like I really get a chance to shine: I can tell my dumb jokes, dig deeper into what makes people tick, and probably not get talked over. When it comes to parties though, it takes a long series of mental pep talks for me to show up, and once I’m there, I’m not usually all that comfortable, at least not to start. The conversation can be stilted, the volume level nearly unbearable, and the pressure to contribute a well-timed joke to the conversation overwhelming.
Unfortunately, the word “party” also seems to be synonymous with “fun” in this stage of my life, and so I’ve had to figure out a way to push myself out of my comfort zone while still scheduling in plenty of “me time.” But add a long-term relationship, a full time job, side hobbies, and a couple of pets into the mix, and the whole plate gets a little tough to keep spinning.
The ironic thing is that as much as the thought of going to larger gatherings sends me into a mini-panic, when I do suck it up and show, I usually have a great time after the initial awkwardness, and go home at the end of the night full of warm and fuzzies. Then I get into bed and sleep the sleep of the dead. For you see, I am that most mystical and misunderstood of creatures: I am an introvert.
There’s been a lot of talk about introversion online these days, but as with most things on the internet, not a lot of the discourse is accurate. Especially with the fairly recent meme-ification of the introvert people end up using the word to mean “anti-social” or to describe misanthropic behaviour.
In truth, introversion has nothing to do with whether or not you enjoy socializing. I’d argue that one of the most fundamental needs we have as humans is forging strong social connections, and unfortunately, there’s a tendency (even amongst introverts) right now to normalize extreme isolation or misanthropy as “just introverts being introverts.”
This kind of thinking is not only unhealthy, but also a gross mischaracterization of introversion. Being an introvert doesn’t mean that you hate people, or are happy living completely devoid of human connection. It just means that social situations, as fun as they can be, leave us feeling very drained, causing us to retreat for a time to recharge our batteries. Extroverts, on the other hand, seem to actively recharge their batteries by socializing. It’s important for both types to forge strong social connections and to connect with other humans, but the quantity of socializing might differ, not because introverts hate people, but simply because we need to rest and process our social experiences after they take place.
Now that we’ve cleared that up, I wanted to make a little “cheat sheet” of do’s and don’ts for all the extroverts out there who have ever found themselves confused by the behaviour of their introvert friends. I certainly can’t speak for every introvert; each person is located somewhere along a social spectrum, and we all have different needs, so take this list with a fairly massive bowl of salt. At the end of the day, the best way to connect with your friends is to simply have open, honest chats with them about how you can best support them, and vice-versa, and you’ll be on your way to happy unicorn rainbow friendship land!
Now, for the list:
Do:
* Occasionally push us to get out of our comfort zones. Introverts can sometimes get trapped in our own heads, and what we initially take to be healthy solitude can end up being a kind of stasis or numbing out. It really is a delicate balance, so if you have a friend who you know well enough to sense that they might be shutting themselves away too much, give them a gentle prod to see if they might tag along to a party or event with you. It can be hard for introverts to find a balance between down time and socializing, especially when we’re feeling anxious or depressed, and having an extrovert friend be the yin to our yang, encouraging us to broaden our horizons, can make for a very rewarding relationship on both sides.
* Follow through with plans. For a lot of extroverts, FOMO seems to be a big problem. It’s understandable to a certain extent: extroverts are usually very adept at maintaining a wide variety of friendships, and as a result, are probably getting invited to a whole whack of social events.
But as hard as it can be to balance this type of social calendar, nothing is a bigger turnoff to an introvert than feeling like an afterthought or a mere option. For many introverts, making plans to hang out might not happen very frequently; we see time spent with friends as something to treasure since it doesn’t happen every day.
To be clear, I certainly don’t think either personality type has the market cornered on flakiness (after all, I’ve had a lot of introverted friends who get overwhelmed and end up bailing at the last minute), but when it comes to making plans, realize that we’ve set time aside just for you, and that’s not something we do for just anyone. If you’d like to see more of your introverted friends, make time for us and stay true to your word!
* Try to see things from our perspective. In a culture which emphasizes always being on the go and constant contact with others, the merits of alone time often go unappreciated. Introverts understand the beauty of solitude, of making time to go within. We know that to be a healthy and happy human, even the most gregarious extrovert needs to make time to reflect and do a little soul searching. If you feel an inner hunger for more meaning and introspection in your life, open up to your introvert friends about it! Chances are they can help you to explore that side of yourself, especially if being alone is something that typically sends you running for the hills (or, more accurately, for the next party.)
For many extroverts, socializing seems to be a case of “more is more.” But it’s crucial for extroverts to understand that from the introvert’s perspective, socializing can be rather like a big pot of mac and cheese: great in small portions, but hard to stomach all at once. Alone time is how we “digest” our experiences, allowing us to step back, truly savour them, and perhaps reflect on how we might tweak or improve the recipe for next time.
This isn’t just a frivolity for introverts, it’s an absolute necessity, and we don’t function well without it, or at least not for long. Some extroverts seem to pity introverts for spending time alone, because it isn’t their preference. But please don’t feel sorry for us: we cherish our alone time as much as extroverts cherish an abundance of social time. It’s legitimately fun for us!
Don’t:
* Ask us why we’re so quiet. Now, I happen to fall on the chattier side of the introvert spectrum, so I can often be quite talkative (read: never shut the f*** up!) when I’m around people who put me at ease. At parties, it’s a different story. I become so overwhelmed with the sensory assault and all the new information to take in (Where’s the bathroom? What’s that guy’s name again? Where’s the drinks table? Why is that music so damn loud?) that it takes me a while to get the “lay of the land” and to open up to strangers.
So please don’t assume I’m not having a good time, because I probably am, and even if I’m not, no one can fix that except me. Nothing feels more shaming than being called out for not talking enough. This will only put your introverted friend into a feedback loop where they start overanalyzing their every action and becoming progressively more uncomfortable…
If you want your friend to be more at ease and to have a good time, be gentle and patient with them. They’ll open up in their own time! And if they don’t, just respect that parties truly aren’t their thing, and recognize that them showing up at all is the ultimate sign of just how much they love you.
* Try to get us to come out to a large gathering every week. Once a month, hell, once a year might be all we truly have in us in terms of energy expenditure for parties/concerts, etc. It’s not personal, it’s just the way we’re wired! Trying for one-on-one hangouts instead will likely lead to better results, but definitely curb your expectations in that regard.
* Call or show up without notice. A lot of introverts see their alone time as sacred, and having someone constantly trying to make contact with us can feel very invasive, almost like our little bubble of peace is being violently popped. Making plans ahead of time is usually better for most introverts than a spontaneous video chat or hangout. Always remember: we truly love and care about our friends, and we will resurface and reach out to you again soon!
* Assume that extroversion is the default, and that being introverted is “less than,” or something to be fixed. Everyone exists along a spectrum: we all need human connection and a sense of community, extroverts and introverts alike, but the ways we process our experiences can be very different. A lot of Western society is predicated on the myth of the superiority of the extrovert: the go-getter, the networker who tirelessly and effortlessly moves from social engagement to social engagement without so much as a hair out of place. We’ve been trained to see extreme gregariousness and constant contact as the ultimate goal for each human to aspire to. There’s nothing wrong with extroversion, but it takes all types to make the world an interesting place, and introversion isn’t some kind of defect or disorder that needs to be cured. In fact, if you’re finding this period of social isolation during the pandemic difficult, I’d encourage you to open up to one of your introvert friends about it. We’re pretty much content experts when it comes to finding ways to enjoy down time, and would be more than happy to initiate you into our “mysterious” ways.
Above all, remember to appreciate your introverted friends on their own merits, just as they do for you, and learn to love them for who they are. No one wants to feel like a project.
* Take it personally. This is who we are, and a certain degree of solitude is what we need to feel happy and fulfilled. As much as we love and value our friends and family, we need plenty of space and alone time to really process our experiences. But rest assured: when we’re ready to emerge from hiding, you’ll be hard pressed to find friends who are better at listening, supporting you, and being truly present through life’s ups and downs. Now get off my lawn.
Originally published at http://equanimish.ca on July 10, 2020.
